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This can be metaphorical or it can be actual. You've listened to the music chosen for the in between of sadness and happiness. You wake up and don't feel the loneliness. You feel free. Your ex doesn't matter to you anymore. You finally feel happy. You know how to find the happiness within you! My Experience: I opened my eyes one morning to birds singing from my open window. It was still dark, but the clock told me dawn would break in an hour and a half. I lie back down, staring at the ceiling of my room. There was no more anger, no more sadness. The feelings of loss were gone. I became restless and decided to get up. Dressed and with car keys in hand, I drove to a tall hill in town. At the top, I could see over the houses and business. I stood in silence, the breeze and waking of different animals the only thing telling me I wasn't deaf. As that first light peeked over the horizon, I sat, unwrapping a granola bar I had brought. I wasn't aware of how much time was passing as the sun rose slowly. I wasn't thinking about the broken relationship or how much time I had put into it. In that moment, my whole world was still. It was how calm I felt inside. There was nothing more important to me than that moment at that time. I always look forward to that moment of stillness even outside of a break up. It is when I know I am happy. My Music: - Morning by ame_no_parade (Change Your Pops) - Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch (Time Without Consequence)
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Yes, there is a small stage between Sadness and Happiness. Often times, it is the most over looked stage. You think, I'm over them, no big deal, but it's important to note that you may not be fully healed. This is the point where you could give that one last message and open up a line of conversation, drawing you back in. How can you avoid this? My Experience: At this point, I'm not feeling as entirely sad as I was, but I'm also not happy. I know this could go one of two ways. I'll contact her again and we could end up back where we were or I could put on that good ol' playlist and get going with my life. This is a moment of desperation, so with understanding that you may not be as happy as you think you are, you can avoid danger. My Method: Make a playlist that is in-between sad and happy. Music that acknowledges a loss, but that you will move on from. My Music: (Note: Playlist will be updated as new music is found) - Lover [You Don't Treat Me Good No More] by Sonia Dada (Sonia Dada) - Lover, Lover by Jerrod Niemann (Judge Jerrod & The Hung Jury) - Good Life by Francis Dunnery (Fearless) - Let It Go by James Bay (Let It Go - Single) - Moving On and Getting Over by John Mayer (The Search for Everything) - No Surprise by Daughtry (Leave This Town) - Lovin', Touchen', Squeezin' by Journey (Journey: Greatest Hits) - Move On by Jet (Get Born) - Hope by Jack Johnson (Sleep Through the Static) - Don't Give Up by Eagle Eye Cherry (Sub Rosa) - I Can Be Somebody by Erin McCarley (Yu Yi) - Scars by Papa Roach (Getting Away with Murder) - Have It All by Jeremy Kay (Have It All) - It'll Only Get Better by Tayler Buono (Unseen - EP) - I Hear You Knocking by Dave Edmunds (Rockpile) - I Don't Apologize (1000 Pictures) by Otherwise (True Love Never Dies) - Needing/Getting (Car Version) by OK Go (Needing/Getting Bundle) Sadness, the most common feeling a break up is associated with. And for good reason. You've put your time, money, and effort into being with this person. You think of time spent on them when you could have been doing other things. You also might think that if you can just get back with them, all that time wouldn't really be wasted, right? More often than not, this is not the case. You might feel good for a while, but you could also feel depressed a few days or even weeks in. My Experience: So, we've broken up, the anger is gone, and I'm noticing how empty the bed feels. I think to myself, how did I sleep in this bed before her? and reach for my phone to call. Maybe if I just invite her over, hold her, talk to her, I'll feel great again. This isn't what I need. I withdraw my hand and instead turn on a sad playlist on my iPod. The music might make me cry or just choke me up as I remember how much I miss her. I don't need to focus on the negative. I've already done that with the anger. The thing I need to remember, is that I'm remembering happy moments spent together in order to move through them, not to say, "I want that again". I make sure to let the feelings of sadness run through me. If I don't, I could hold them in and make a mistake down the line that causes me even more anguish. Again, just like with anger, there is no time limit on how long this will take. This is the stage where I try to find my life again. I will go out and hike at the local state park. I will eat at the places we used to go to. Not in hopes to see her, but I hopes that I can start to live my life again. In this way, I find how I lived before her and discover how I've evolved from being with her. When I've shuffled through this, I'm able to move to the next stage. My Method: Make a playlist of songs that make you choke up, shed a tear, or bawl your eyes out. Or just stare blankly out the window pretending you're in a sad music video (you know what I'm talking about. Don't pretend). My Music Note: Playlist will be updated when new music is found - Ashes by Celine Dion (Deadpool 2 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) - Forever (feat. Casey Lee Williams) by Jeff Williams (Red vs. Blue Season 10) - Wings (feat. Casey Lee Williams) by Jeff Williams (RWBY Vol. 1 Soundtrack) - Hurt by Nine inch Nails (The Downward Spiral) - Hurt by Johnny Cash (Unearthed) - Do You Feel It? by Chaos Chaos (Committed to the Crime) - Heartbreak by Us The Duo (No Matter Where You Are) - Winter Sleep by Olivia (Nana Best) - Dry Your Eyes by The Streets (Everything Is Borrowed) - Fine On the Outside by Priscilla Ahn (When Marnie Was There Original Soundtrack) - Not Meant to Be by Theory of a Deadman (Scars & Souvenirs) In truth, sadness and anger can be swapped depending on the type of break up, but I wish to focus on anger first. Some break ups are quiet. You start to drift apart and eventually realize you can't stand to be with the other person anymore. Other times, it's a huge explosion of anger, regrets, and blame. These are fast and messy and leave resentment. However, it's okay, too. I do not condone physically violent break ups, though. Instead, I feel this is an emotion that needs to be felt. My Experience: For me, it takes a few days for the initial anger to settle. It's seething anger at this point. I give it time to fizzle out. When that happens, I remember the good times and how fun it used to be with the person. It runs the risk of contact and getting back together with them. If we both have agreed to try better, then it could be something to consider. However, there is a reason we separated. If it isn't anything to be resolved, then it's time to move on. But how? As an example, one of my ex-girlfriends told me that I, "bring nothing to the table." Remembering that line, I knew there was no way I could go back to her. If she felt I brought nothing to the relationship for her, then why be in one? I felt the anger of her words and parted. A few days later, I started to miss her to the point of almost texting. This wouldn't work, though. I couldn't continue a cycle of cutting down my character when it didn't appease her. I needed this anger. I needed it to feel why we weren't together. My go to method is music. I turn on loud, shouting, GO DIE IN A DITCH BECAUSE I'M BETTER THAN YOU! music. There is no time limit of how many days I'll let this feeling last. Only until I get it out of my system will I switch it. My Method: Make a playlist of songs that let you feel anger. My Music (Note: Playlist will be updated as more music is found) - Die MF Die (Explicit) by Dope (Life) - Song for the Dumped (Explicit) by Ben Folds Five (Whatever and Ever Amen) - I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin (I Will Not Bow - Single) - The End of Heartache (Live) by Killswitch Engage ({Set This} World Ablaze) - Love the Way You Hate Me by Like a Storm (Awaken the Fire) - Wish You Hell by Like a Storm (Awaken the Fire) - X Gon' Give It to Ya (Explicit) by DMX (The Best of DMX) - I Don't F**k With You (feat. E-40) (Explicit) by Big Sean (Dark Sky Paradise) - Break Stuff (Explicit) by Limp Bizkit (Significant Other) - Go Hard by Neffex (Go Hard - Single) I think you can already guess why I'm writing this. To me, it isn't important about how the break up happened. I'm not here to argue about who was a victim or an aggressor. There were mistakes on both sides. What I'm here to talk about is how I personally handle things after a break up. There is anger, sadness, and hopefully acceptance. Sometimes both people will feel it's something that had to be waded through and get back together. If that's the case, that's great! I have tried to do that time and time again (pretty sure our friends are sick of it by the fourth time). There comes a time, though, when you feel it is time to walk away and live. But how do you do that? All I can give you is my experience.
I have been in six relationships as of this writing. Each has been different, yes, but they have helped me grow into the next relationship as they should. I don't make the same mistakes, I've learned from those I've hurt and those who have hurt me. At the end of the day, I don't hate or dislike any of my ex's. Why? Because I chose to move from the hurt and viewing myself as the victim. Along the way, I was able to learn to be happy by myself. That has been the key to surviving heartbreak for me. Again, this is my personal way of finding my happiness again. It is in no way a plan for everyone and individuals will feel differently about their ex. |
Philip M. WardenI have thoughts. At least, I think I do. Do I? Archives
September 2018
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