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This can be metaphorical or it can be actual. You've listened to the music chosen for the in between of sadness and happiness. You wake up and don't feel the loneliness. You feel free. Your ex doesn't matter to you anymore. You finally feel happy. You know how to find the happiness within you! My Experience: I opened my eyes one morning to birds singing from my open window. It was still dark, but the clock told me dawn would break in an hour and a half. I lie back down, staring at the ceiling of my room. There was no more anger, no more sadness. The feelings of loss were gone. I became restless and decided to get up. Dressed and with car keys in hand, I drove to a tall hill in town. At the top, I could see over the houses and business. I stood in silence, the breeze and waking of different animals the only thing telling me I wasn't deaf. As that first light peeked over the horizon, I sat, unwrapping a granola bar I had brought. I wasn't aware of how much time was passing as the sun rose slowly. I wasn't thinking about the broken relationship or how much time I had put into it. In that moment, my whole world was still. It was how calm I felt inside. There was nothing more important to me than that moment at that time. I always look forward to that moment of stillness even outside of a break up. It is when I know I am happy. My Music: - Morning by ame_no_parade (Change Your Pops) - Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch (Time Without Consequence)
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Yes, there is a small stage between Sadness and Happiness. Often times, it is the most over looked stage. You think, I'm over them, no big deal, but it's important to note that you may not be fully healed. This is the point where you could give that one last message and open up a line of conversation, drawing you back in. How can you avoid this? My Experience: At this point, I'm not feeling as entirely sad as I was, but I'm also not happy. I know this could go one of two ways. I'll contact her again and we could end up back where we were or I could put on that good ol' playlist and get going with my life. This is a moment of desperation, so with understanding that you may not be as happy as you think you are, you can avoid danger. My Method: Make a playlist that is in-between sad and happy. Music that acknowledges a loss, but that you will move on from. My Music: (Note: Playlist will be updated as new music is found) - Lover [You Don't Treat Me Good No More] by Sonia Dada (Sonia Dada) - Lover, Lover by Jerrod Niemann (Judge Jerrod & The Hung Jury) - Good Life by Francis Dunnery (Fearless) - Let It Go by James Bay (Let It Go - Single) - Moving On and Getting Over by John Mayer (The Search for Everything) - No Surprise by Daughtry (Leave This Town) - Lovin', Touchen', Squeezin' by Journey (Journey: Greatest Hits) - Move On by Jet (Get Born) - Hope by Jack Johnson (Sleep Through the Static) - Don't Give Up by Eagle Eye Cherry (Sub Rosa) - I Can Be Somebody by Erin McCarley (Yu Yi) - Scars by Papa Roach (Getting Away with Murder) - Have It All by Jeremy Kay (Have It All) - It'll Only Get Better by Tayler Buono (Unseen - EP) - I Hear You Knocking by Dave Edmunds (Rockpile) - I Don't Apologize (1000 Pictures) by Otherwise (True Love Never Dies) - Needing/Getting (Car Version) by OK Go (Needing/Getting Bundle) Sadness, the most common feeling a break up is associated with. And for good reason. You've put your time, money, and effort into being with this person. You think of time spent on them when you could have been doing other things. You also might think that if you can just get back with them, all that time wouldn't really be wasted, right? More often than not, this is not the case. You might feel good for a while, but you could also feel depressed a few days or even weeks in. My Experience: So, we've broken up, the anger is gone, and I'm noticing how empty the bed feels. I think to myself, how did I sleep in this bed before her? and reach for my phone to call. Maybe if I just invite her over, hold her, talk to her, I'll feel great again. This isn't what I need. I withdraw my hand and instead turn on a sad playlist on my iPod. The music might make me cry or just choke me up as I remember how much I miss her. I don't need to focus on the negative. I've already done that with the anger. The thing I need to remember, is that I'm remembering happy moments spent together in order to move through them, not to say, "I want that again". I make sure to let the feelings of sadness run through me. If I don't, I could hold them in and make a mistake down the line that causes me even more anguish. Again, just like with anger, there is no time limit on how long this will take. This is the stage where I try to find my life again. I will go out and hike at the local state park. I will eat at the places we used to go to. Not in hopes to see her, but I hopes that I can start to live my life again. In this way, I find how I lived before her and discover how I've evolved from being with her. When I've shuffled through this, I'm able to move to the next stage. My Method: Make a playlist of songs that make you choke up, shed a tear, or bawl your eyes out. Or just stare blankly out the window pretending you're in a sad music video (you know what I'm talking about. Don't pretend). My Music Note: Playlist will be updated when new music is found - Ashes by Celine Dion (Deadpool 2 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) - Forever (feat. Casey Lee Williams) by Jeff Williams (Red vs. Blue Season 10) - Wings (feat. Casey Lee Williams) by Jeff Williams (RWBY Vol. 1 Soundtrack) - Hurt by Nine inch Nails (The Downward Spiral) - Hurt by Johnny Cash (Unearthed) - Do You Feel It? by Chaos Chaos (Committed to the Crime) - Heartbreak by Us The Duo (No Matter Where You Are) - Winter Sleep by Olivia (Nana Best) - Dry Your Eyes by The Streets (Everything Is Borrowed) - Fine On the Outside by Priscilla Ahn (When Marnie Was There Original Soundtrack) - Not Meant to Be by Theory of a Deadman (Scars & Souvenirs) In truth, sadness and anger can be swapped depending on the type of break up, but I wish to focus on anger first. Some break ups are quiet. You start to drift apart and eventually realize you can't stand to be with the other person anymore. Other times, it's a huge explosion of anger, regrets, and blame. These are fast and messy and leave resentment. However, it's okay, too. I do not condone physically violent break ups, though. Instead, I feel this is an emotion that needs to be felt. My Experience: For me, it takes a few days for the initial anger to settle. It's seething anger at this point. I give it time to fizzle out. When that happens, I remember the good times and how fun it used to be with the person. It runs the risk of contact and getting back together with them. If we both have agreed to try better, then it could be something to consider. However, there is a reason we separated. If it isn't anything to be resolved, then it's time to move on. But how? As an example, one of my ex-girlfriends told me that I, "bring nothing to the table." Remembering that line, I knew there was no way I could go back to her. If she felt I brought nothing to the relationship for her, then why be in one? I felt the anger of her words and parted. A few days later, I started to miss her to the point of almost texting. This wouldn't work, though. I couldn't continue a cycle of cutting down my character when it didn't appease her. I needed this anger. I needed it to feel why we weren't together. My go to method is music. I turn on loud, shouting, GO DIE IN A DITCH BECAUSE I'M BETTER THAN YOU! music. There is no time limit of how many days I'll let this feeling last. Only until I get it out of my system will I switch it. My Method: Make a playlist of songs that let you feel anger. My Music (Note: Playlist will be updated as more music is found) - Die MF Die (Explicit) by Dope (Life) - Song for the Dumped (Explicit) by Ben Folds Five (Whatever and Ever Amen) - I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin (I Will Not Bow - Single) - The End of Heartache (Live) by Killswitch Engage ({Set This} World Ablaze) - Love the Way You Hate Me by Like a Storm (Awaken the Fire) - Wish You Hell by Like a Storm (Awaken the Fire) - X Gon' Give It to Ya (Explicit) by DMX (The Best of DMX) - I Don't F**k With You (feat. E-40) (Explicit) by Big Sean (Dark Sky Paradise) - Break Stuff (Explicit) by Limp Bizkit (Significant Other) - Go Hard by Neffex (Go Hard - Single) I think you can already guess why I'm writing this. To me, it isn't important about how the break up happened. I'm not here to argue about who was a victim or an aggressor. There were mistakes on both sides. What I'm here to talk about is how I personally handle things after a break up. There is anger, sadness, and hopefully acceptance. Sometimes both people will feel it's something that had to be waded through and get back together. If that's the case, that's great! I have tried to do that time and time again (pretty sure our friends are sick of it by the fourth time). There comes a time, though, when you feel it is time to walk away and live. But how do you do that? All I can give you is my experience.
I have been in six relationships as of this writing. Each has been different, yes, but they have helped me grow into the next relationship as they should. I don't make the same mistakes, I've learned from those I've hurt and those who have hurt me. At the end of the day, I don't hate or dislike any of my ex's. Why? Because I chose to move from the hurt and viewing myself as the victim. Along the way, I was able to learn to be happy by myself. That has been the key to surviving heartbreak for me. Again, this is my personal way of finding my happiness again. It is in no way a plan for everyone and individuals will feel differently about their ex. The passing of Carrie Fisher hit me, though not in the way it must have hit her family. I never truly knew her and had never met her at any Comicons. Reading about her for the past few days, I realize that I barely even knew the tip of the iceberg about her. Still, I can contribute something. As a fan of Star Wars, it seems only natural. The Carrie Fisher I saw was a princess from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (yes, I realize I probably owe someone a money for that). She was firm in her belief, not afraid in the face of darkness, being captured was just a hindrance, and she also had a softer, kinder side. I watched in awe as a young boy at how she took charge after being rescued, actually saving the men that came to save her. I watched how she was captured by a crime lord and made to wear an embarrassing outfit. It was made to humiliate and break her. Of course, it's such sweet justice when the exact item meant to humiliate is used to kill the humiliator (from a fictional standpoint of course, I do not condone anyone to murder someone for embarrassing them. Self defense is for another argument). In the end, she was a key person to help restore a little bit of balance to the galaxy. I realize that this is only a character based off a script, but I also know that it takes a great actor/actress, to make me believe that character could actually exist. Carrie, as Princess Leia, changed how I viewed women. I started to believe that there were women around me who could do anything a man could (I had much to learn about the world) and look great doing it also. I noticed how strong the women were around me, I still do. She was such an inspiration to a young boy and helped expand my world to something better. She made me want to help others and not back down when someone needed my help. For making my childhood and life awesome, I thank you, Carrie, from the bottom of my heart.  Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher at the Screen Actors Guild Awards. Picture by ABC News I only figured out that Debbie was Carrie's mother through an interview they did together on Oprah. I looked her up and found that she had starred in Disney's Holloween Town. I also found she was in a movie I had been wanting to watch, Singing in the Rain. I bought it without a second thought and watched it. Then I watched it again and again and again. The music was beautiful and the dancing even more so (lord knows I have no rythem at all). Like Carrie, Debbie brought a smile to my face and helped me to see a bigger world. I'm sad I didn't truly know these women, but I am glad at how I did. My life is better because these two were in the world. Even now, when they don't reside on our plain, their works can continue inspiring future generations. Thank you both for being a part of my life.
"Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not." - Yoda ~Philip M. Warden~ I have been overweight for many years now (starting around eleven) and have tried many ways to lose it. I have gone from close to my desired weight, back to way over. Back and forth, my weight and my self-esteem wavered. I was exercising a lot and getting tired of it. I kept pressing on because I knew that my hard work would pay off. I joined the hype that was Insanity, figuring that I would see how I do. I was not ready for it at all. The warm up had me on the floor, wheezing and sweating like there was no oxygen left in the world. I couldn't finish it, much less do the actual workout.
I decided to rest up for three days and try again. Same result. My body was still sore from the first warm up. How was I supposed to make it through even the workout? I stopped it for a week, wallowing in my despair that I just wasn't going to have a great body (Yes, ate a lot of junk food during this depressing time). I did what any wisher would do and looked through fitness magazines, wondering what I was doing wrong. An small article from Men's Health (sorry, can't remember which) about eating right popped out at me. I put my second bag of Doritos down long enough to read it (yes, second one that hour. Love Doritos in moderation now). While I could do some workouts, my weakness was the food that I consumed. It all made sense! Why was I so stupid? Over the next few days, I researched what I could about eating right. There were recipies and simple throw together things. Now, if you actually know me, you know that I am a procrastinator and, if I do say so myself, lazy to a degree. I don't want to go out and buy all of these ingredients and make something. This was looking hopeless the more I read. Still, maybe there was something really simple to start me off. I was 23 around this time and still couldn't cook. I mean, I could pour myself a mean bowl of cereal, but these recipies called for more than just a bowl and a spoon. Measurements, three different bowls to mix with, vegetables (what the heck were those!?) I wasn't feeling it. A few more days passed and I came across an article online about whey protein. I didn't do much research into it, however, I had seen it in stores. I bought the first one I saw and started to use it for shakes. It filled me up enough that I didn't feel the need to eat all day. I only replaced one meal with the whey and continued to order out. Not the best solution, but hey, I was just starting. Finally, I told myself that I needed to be able to cook something. I learned how to scramble eggs, toast bread (If it required more than one step or me doing it myself before this time, I wasn't doing it.), even empty a bag of salad into a bowl and add chicken strips to it. I started to eat at home more than going out. I also found the Insanity DVDs again. They didn't mock me as I had first thought, but there was a desire in me that wanted to try and accomplish something. I took to my basement, set out floor mats, and started the program. My first day went horrible, wheezing, feeling like I was going to die. I woke up everyday, sore, grumpy, I didn't want to continue. Yet, everyday, I was down in the basement working my butt off (literally). Month one came to a close and I took pictures again.
I saw my body from day 1 to day 30. I was amazed at the difference. It didn't look like much, but I was able to see the changes. The workouts were getting easier, I was having fun going all the way through with barely any stops, and my self-esteem was rising. I was going to get that body I wanted!
During the middle of month two, a friend of mine wanted to borrow Insanity. I let them, figuring I would continue what I could on my own. It didn't happen. Instead, I stopped working out all together. I gained weight back, my good eating habits went down the drain, I was larger than before. I hated myself. Eventually I got Insanity back, but I didn't have the motivation to start over. I was defeated. It is now the end of 2016 and I am writing this at 27 years old. My original goal was to have a fit body by this time. It hasn't happened. I have a problem with finishing things (my book is taking forever!) and that really gets me down. The problem is, also, that I let that negative feeling stop me. I'm not bashing on anyone, but myself. I hate my body and how it looks and how it weighs me down. I want to be able to jog, practice martial arts how I want, look at my pictures and say, "I worked hard to be fit". So, as of Novemeber, I have been eating better, making more meals at home, practicing my martial arts with gusto, and, yes, I am doing Insanity again. I have just finished month 1 of Insanity and I am now going into recovery week (at least that's what they call it). I am keeping a positive attitude, reminding myself that I am doing better today than I did yesterday. Everyday, I am adding in a good habit: I have a whey shake, I eat salad with chicken (that I prepare myself), I cut down on my portions of delicious foods that I love to eat (this one kills me a lot), I make sure to workout 6 days a week with Insanity. Everyday, I tell myself, "You deserve a better body." ~ Philip M Warden ~ This is a phrase that has been passed around several times. I couldn't even begin to count how many I've heard it. But then I think, 'Someone is saying this because they've experienced something.' Be it regret at any dreams they may not get to or to the possessions they've acquired and will lose with their passing. Sometimes someone they cared about is the one to leave and they want to dwell in that place of thought. I experienced this phrase recently as I'm sure many others around me did. A co-worker (who I unfortunately didn't know too well) received the news that he had cancer. They started kemo almost immediately. I heard he was hopeful and tried to remain in high spirits. Then almost all at once, his body shut down and he passed away. Nineteen days...that was how long he had from the moment they discovered his condition and when he left our world. I won't go into a debate about what killed him, the cancer or kemo, because I don't know and to me that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing because I realized how short nineteen days is. Deeper into thought, we don't know when or how we will die. How many have created a bucket list? How many are close to achieving everything they want in life? Do you care what happens to others after your passing? It made me look into everything that I have been doing up until this point. I realize that my dreams of writing and studying martial arts is a kind of want. I sort of want it, but I have my doubts as if I will actually succeed. This thought process has made me go slowly into these dreams of mine. It makes me believe that when someone told me, "Those are good ideas for your series, but I don't think writing all of those books is possible", I take it for truth. And if I were to die tomorrow, it would be true. Heck, I might not even get my first novel out with those thoughts holding me. And that scares me. I've set a goal for myself, but I'm not trying to rush into it. But what if I only have nineteen more days to live, to complete my dreams, to talk to friends? It's thoughts like that that keep me pushing forward, no matter how much the metaphorical mud weights me down. If I had only nineteen days left to live and I actually knew it, would I be kinder? Would I achieve all the dreams I want in the time I have? What will I leave behind when I die?
~Philip M. Warden~ |
Philip M. WardenI have thoughts. At least, I think I do. Do I? Archives
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